But write I will -- because this is how I make myself sort things out, put them in order, and hold them up to the light for inspection. It's part of how I discover what is true, and almost every time I write in here, I also discover something hidden in me.

There are a lot of questions that I have for myself, and I hope to eventually find answers that I can live with. Things like... why have I spent my life (from age 23 through 45) married and I don't even know why I was married? Why did my life seem to become meaningless when I turned 40? Why did it take 5 years for this realization to catch up with me, when I finally fell apart? Why did I try to do it all alone, instead of laying my load at the feet of my friends and companions? Are my experiences at Flipside and following revelations and integrations going to make any real difference in the long run? What can I do next to go on to a better evolution of being me? What the hell am I doing with my life anyway, and was it really so necessary to fuck up the lives of those around me in the process?

When I was in my 20s and 30s I always figured I'd be less busy with life, more settled, more able to figure out the deeper questions of existence, once I reached the (then distant) age of 40. While I was curious about life, the world, and my place in it back then, it seemed an intractable problem (though I expected it would fall over easily enough with a little thought and research, in time). I also figured I'd set myself the appointment to figure it out when I turned 40.

After all, how hard could it be? And how wise would I be by then anyway, decades into the future? Nothing to it!

(Yes, I hear all you old-timers laughing back there, and don't think I don't notice your eye-rolling either).

(And you whippersnappers? Yeah, you have it easy with your youthful enthusiasm, your sense that life is just for the enjoyment of life, and with simple goals and simple motives for living; I was there too, I remember it. Not EASY, mind you, and some of you have it quite hard indeed... but still straightforward for the most part; school, job, girlfriend, music, movies, parties, friends; the basic things that are almost pre-defined and hard-wired for us).

(As always, your mileage may vary).

Needless to say, it didn't work out quite as planned.

A surprising number of the people I've talked to have experienced anxiety attacks before -- stress, chemistry, poltergeists... all manner of things can trigger these. For me it was my life, my visible future; in the moments when I wasn't distracted by my distractions, I'd be freaking out about my mortality. I wasn't where I wanted to be in my life, and I didn't KNOW where I wanted to be in my life, but I knew this wasn't it... something was missing, and I spent some years casting about trying to figure out what that missing piece was, how to fill it, where to find it. I'm still not sure... but in the process I do know that I wore myself down so far, had stressed out enough, that I fell apart, and in falling apart, I quit everything.

Okay, not EVERYTHING; I still dance, I still have my dayjob, I still work on FX at SCARE, but essentially everything else.

So now I have even less than I had before, and in my free moments when I'm not being distracted by my distractions I'm no longer panicking but I'm alone and lonely, and I'm not entirely sure which is better and which is worse. But that was also kind of the point... I need to live my life on purpose, consciously, and I had been doing it on autopilot for too long. And I had found it impossible to change the autopilot machine, so I ended up breaking it instead.

These days I'm operating on the theory that nature abhors a vacuum; that closing one door opens another; and that by making space for myself, by stepping away and looking at my life and my connection with humanity and the world, that maybe I'll be able to find a path through the next years of my life that leads me in a good direction.

As part of my process, I went through some seriously dark places, as documented at least in part by my Flipside 2010 entry... and then, in therapy and in reflection, I discovered some amazing things about myself and my past, and the illusions I lived by that were based on faulty data. And yet today I don't feel all that significantly different; I feel the same drives that led me to where I am, the same wants, even some of the same insecurities.

Looking at myself today compared to the me ten years ago today, I'm very different. The most concrete and stark example is from the Haunt. I took, and last night dropped in on, an Improvisational Acting class being held for the guides -- and I did well, and I enjoyed it. Improv, for those of you unaware with the form, and unfamiliar with the Edwin of the past, is a thing that I would neither thrive in nor enjoy, nor even be remotely capable to doing, as the old me. I even sing, in public, unabashedly (and of course, not being able to remember any lyrics, as that's not how my brain works), as part of this class, and if you've heard me sing, well, I'm sorry... but this marks a huge shift in my extroversion.

My current operating theory (akin jumping off the cliff and hoping it's not rocks below) is something I'm trying to assemble after the fact, and was not part of any planning or guiding process. I didn't have a coherent big picture but was operating in a fight or flight response, doing what seemed necessary and hoping that it was either the right thing, or at least would lead to a place where I could figure out what the right thing is. An animal trying to survive.

And now that panic is gone, and the drive to run has faded, and I don't lay there at night haunted by my mortality any more. But I also have less drive, less enthusiasm for the mundane things, and more time to contemplate and be melancholy.

So that's where I am now. I still want some things, I've lost some things, I think I've gained some things... but I'm so definitely not "there" yet.

If what I've heard is true, I never will be "there"... I just hope that the journey I'm on is interesting, fulfilling, and one where I don't end up hurting my best friend in the world in order to continue forward.

There are several forces coming to a point for me right about now as well.

One is the Fall season; this is a season I love above all others, with Spring a close second. A season of snuggling, of nesting, of warm comfort while the world shifts around us and storms drive us wet and windblown into winter. And of seeing the couples around me, and of wondering.

Another is my son's visit, which follows a predictable cycle for me emotionally. When he's here, I'm always amazed by how awesome he is, and I take him around to show him off to my friends and to talk with him and rant with him and make things in the Lab or Haunt with him. And then, always, he has to go, and I'm struck with an inescapable sense of irrecoverable loss like a knife in my heart, of all the time I didn't have with him, of all the moments I missed of his growing up and growing into adulthood. A sense of somehow, maybe I've fucked up my life beyond repair, to have ended up missing all of those pieces of his life; but you know, I have this great son anyway, so that's something.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to live a more normal life story, but I rarely wonder long ... it would bore the socks off me, and my own particular psychological bent pretty much renders the possibility impossible. For the most part I enjoy what I do, how I live, and where I'm going... but I'm not happy with "okay", and want to reach out for "spectacular". Or at least, less emotionally damaged... and I'm making progress.

That I'm writing this today at all is a good sign -- as of Friday I had vowed to quit everything -- OddOnes, SCARE, work -- and to delete all of my accounts, remove myself from the 'web, and basically just up and move somewhere and see what I could do from there.

Because I was tired; stressed, lost, and feeling very very alone and unloved. I know these feelings were not true, and I think I feel how they are not true today, but subjective and objective reality don't always intersect cleanly. But I'm jumping ahead here, putting the conclusions up here in the introduction.

I had a hard time growing up, and I know that almost everyone else did too. However, how easy or hard your childhood was has no bearing whatsoever on what it was that I experienced as a child, or to the resources (emotional, familial, and otherwise) I had to deal with it at the time. So yeah; my childhood sucked. And it left a mark.

That mark is what I've been trying to deal with this year, because that mark has been fucking up my life and my relationships ever since... forever. So I want to fix it, because I really have no other choice, since continuing on with the level of suck I live with is not a choice that fills me with joy.

Every young child develops, through experience, a model of what the world is like and how they fit into it. The experiences we have as very young children are rarely perfect, rarely idyllic, and often full of sampling quirks and bad data. The model I developed early on was that I was not worthy of love, that I couldn't rely on other people, and that I had to do everything myself... because not only would the key people in my life just not be there to help out, but I wasn't even worthy of such help when they were. I was a nuisance, a burden, a chore.

I know why I developed this model, I know how I developed this model, I know this model is false and based on limited and insufficient data, and I know I've since grown far beyond the world this model was created to help me survive. But none of that helps; the mind is not the heart, and some of this stuff is branded deeply into the soul.

Also, we constantly moved as a family, and I had no home support structure, and limited access to any other family; I had few friends, and I never developed any deep relationships. I was terrified of most of the world, seeing it (rightly, in a sense, but in an amplified manner) as a dangerous place, with the people in it being erratic, confusing, and hostile (school, you know; other children are truly monsters sometimes).

At a late age I decided to learn how to be a people person, like you would decide to learn to speak German or Italian.

As I actually got a girlfriend, and then more girlfriends, and then a wife, and another wife, and another -- I thought things were going okay, but at the same time there was a continued emptiness and things were always coming apart, pretty much on a schedule.

I've had jobs of different sizes and flavors, and hobbies like nobody's business, and I have a fairly dazzling collection of skills and interests -- but most of that was not very satisfying, and I always felt like I was just faking it anyway. After a while at any one location or situation, I felt like I was running out of the energy needed to continue faking it, and that people were beginning to catch on to the real me -- an unlovable fraud.

My sense of worth, of value, has been tied up in what I _do_ and not who I _am_ -- and I've always been aware of that, which doesn't help, because I really had no idea what to do about it. So I continued doing, and feeling useful by that doing.

I spent a week in therapy over Christmas and learned some interesting things about myself, and some interesting models of how the kind of damage I incurred as a child happens, and some interesting tools on how to try to repair it.

But at the same time, my stress levels rocketed, I started dropping the ball on some basic activities and commitments, and of course, at work I started a massive, important, and otherwise interesting if ill-timed project.

So my work project has not been going as awesomely as I like; my role in some of my other community activities seems to be eroding as people with newer and shinier and perhaps more relevant skill sets wander in; and I'm wading around in middle age, thinking I'm going to become useless soon, because frankly, who wants an ancient technologist anyway?

So at Flipside I finally come unraveled. It's a safe environment, safer than any other environment I can think of; it's familiar to me as well, having elements of the world I grew up in (in a sense; it's a long story). And it's hot, and I don't do well under high temperatures. And it's tired, because nobody sleeps well at FS, and I don't to well under sleep deprivation.

I noticed at one point that I was about to come to blows with a friend over... nothing. So I left camp. Gone. And I sat in a secluded area and just let my mind unravel in peace, sobbing and rocking and taking apart my cell phone for much of that afternoon.

Then I curled up under a giant mushroom (really; not real, though, but made from a parachute) and let the world pass by for a while longer, emotionally drained for a time. Until it got crowded, and then I took my damaged self to a quiet bench, but there the tears were more noticeable and the rangers collected around me with their quiet voices and supportive concern. The PET checked me out to make sure I was healthy (I was), and I asked them to get a camp member for me, and they did. I announced that I quit (everything) and allowed Anna and Marla to comfort me for a little while until I could stand life for little longer, and then I returned to camp.

If I had been found that way in the "real world" they would likely have committed me. And rightfully so.

I pretty much spent the rest of that day and the next sitting in a corner ignoring the world, crying most of the time under my hat. I even snapped at Susan, and if you know Susan you know what a crime that is. But my friends were really there for me, in that they let me have that space; they checked in, but didn't push. And on Sunday, when I had actually recovered a tiny bit, they let me re-integrate into being a camp member and doing the radio stuff I love.

Interestingly enough, the deeply buried, deeply scarred child in my psyche noticed something (because I pointed it out to him, but hey, that's one of the tools my father gave me over Christmas) -- and that was "these people are being nice to me; they honestly care for me."

This was, in fact, perhaps the first time I had ever felt (FELT, not understood) that I was cared for, that I counted for who I was, and not for what I could do, or make, or buy, or charm. And this first came from that one Ranger, and then the nice PET, who helped me at the trail; and from Anna, and Matt, and Marla who came to me at the river; and then from my many friends at camp afterward, and even these new people who I had never seen before but took me under their care for a lovely walk and introduced me to some more nice people.

This may seem a silly thing; or maybe you might dismiss it as being untrue, that I must have felt loved before, in all my 46 years, and on some levels this is true -- but that broken child deep inside had not, trust me there; HAD NOT; and then did, and it is the most painful, disturbing, unbelievable feeling to feel friendship for the first time like that. It still hurts. It hurts a lot.

Because, if for no other reason, than it highlights what I have been unable to feel during all the years leading up to this point.

I hope the lesson sticks, that the memory continues to sink in to my psyche; because that is the memory, the feeling, the lesson that I have to learn (or absorb, or feel) -- that the time of being helpless, and alone, and abandoned, is behind me, and the tools and protections I developed then are not needed in the same way now.

I'm not fixed yet, but I have hope that I will be. I have a nice therapist now too, who can help continue this healing. And I have friends who, it seems, will give me the room to be an idiot for a while and still accept me into their midst.

I'm still wracked with misery, but it's more like the pain of a healing scab than the pain of damage being inflicted. Maybe it will switch over to an itching soon... and then heal over.

There are still things I want in my life but may never have, perhaps because these are unreasonable wants. I'll figure it out eventually. And I still don't feel nearly as competent as people make me out to be, but I'm also still learning so I hope that gets better.

I don't have any real dreams to drive me forward right now; I've pretty much let go of everything, and maybe I'll pick up a strand or two as time goes on. I'm doing some things, like SCARE work and DAYJOB, out of a sense of momentum as much as for any internal impetus.

Everything is temporary, and this too shall pass. I wonder what I'll find on the other side of this journey?

This is why some stories are so powerful, and why we tell stories and fairy tales and myths to ourselves and to our children -- these stories are lives encapsulated and give us guidelines and themes, some of which we will identify with and begin to live ourselves.

I don't expect anybody here is going to run off into the woods trailing bread crumbs, to ultimately fend off an evil witch to avoid being cooked alive. A lot of the stories we tell are not literal at all, but metaphorical; not true in a facts sense, but true in a heart sense.

And, like the air to the bird and the water to the fish, we may be intimately familiar with our lives, and with stories in general, but we may not connect that our lives are in fact echoes of these stories, and who we are in our life is also our role in that story.

People just are who they are... or that's how it sometimes seems. But some people also notice that they have choices in how they live, and can step outside of their skin and storyline from time to time, to observe and guide themselves into perhaps a better storyline. Maybe in this storyline they don't have to get eaten by the wolf, maybe they can jump over and hang with the lady in her shoe instead.

Or something. It's late. You'll get over the pain of my examples soon enough.

Another interesting point is that everyone is the hero in their story. Darth Maul? Al Capone? Prince Humperdink? Yeah, in his mind, he is doing what needs to be done, and he's the hero of his particular story. Think about it...if you could do better with your life, you would! But forces, internal and external, shape you and guide you, and at each step you make the best decisions you can, heroically or otherwise, even if the outcomes don't always match your desires. If you could have done better, you WOULD have; and maybe next time you will, with the wisdom of experience and the example of hindsight. And, sometimes, with a little help from your friends.

I know I personally wonder about some people who seem to go out of their way to be conscious and unrepentant dicks... but who knows what is really going on in their heads? In some way, it makes sense to them.

Now, what about a person who loses the sense of their character; maybe the writer was too ambitious with them and just lost control over the plotline; or things just up and exploded and all of a sudden, poof! They don't know their role in the plot anymore.

What a terribly disconcerting place that would be... with no internal sense of what decisions to make, what directions to go, what value they add and what complications they might contribute to the plot. It would become quite the imperative for them to find a comfortable role again, to fit themselves in to the big picture somehow. But what if all the good roles are taken? Or if stress is making it difficult to play anything but a bit part, a character actor at best, or "man in black shirt, mob scene 3"? What an ignominious thing....

Anyway, I sure as hell hope my author gets his act together soon. Or, um, for that anonymous hypothetical person. Yeah.

Now, there is stress and there is STRESS. A little squeeze is good, like noticing that a deadline is fast approaching; it can get the creative juices flowing, brush away minor distractions, and help one focus on the important task at hand.

A big squeeze on the ole' brain is not so good. I make a living by my mind (yes, scary thought, isn't it?) and while some of my tasks can be done by rote and without much thought, most of them require a certain mental capacity. And it's because of this that I notice when my brain is working, or not working, and in what way.

Now, as a flashback, I note my childhood was full of all kinds of stress, and as a child I had certain parts of my memory that just didn't work, I assume not from an inherent dysfunction, but via the pressures applied by stress. Mapping, for example, and tracking silly things like people's names. Gone!

When I'm relaxed and refreshed, these parts of my mind work -- but they are still the first to vanish when I'm tired, hungry, or stressed.

As the pressure builds I notice my focus going from an expansive grasp of a wide range of ideas, plans, and tasks, down and down into a narrow little pinch on maybe one task right in front of me, if even that, as long as I don't have to think about it too much.

Every time it happens, I remember the story Flowers for Algernon, and worry that maybe this time it's Alzheimer's or Old Age or a Brain Tumor, but no, it's probably just stress.

I like being able to track several projects at once, to have enthusiasm for my hobbies which makes my job all that more manageable as well, to be able to organize and write and plan and execute. When these skills begin to vanish under a cloud of anxiety and overload, I miss them, and wonder what I'd be like as a potato on the couch and if I could live with myself that way. I also have dreams of escape, of vanishing and finding a miraculous world where this stress doesn't exist anymore... knowing full well that the stress would not only follow me but would be compounded by any such drastic change.

But still, there are times when I sure can't see my way to the light at the end of the coal pit.

I like being able to organize complex systems in my head and then create them, to find a path (even if it's not the best or cleanest path) through the bramble of a complex problem, and it worries me greatly when I can't. Someday maybe it will be Alzheimer's or Old Age or a Brain Tumor, but not yet, okay? I have things to do still, and people to teach.

Fortunately, stress doesn't last forever... maybe the glands get worn out, or maybe I actually make progress through the stressors and work things out... and I start to get my brain and motivation back. In fits and starts, perhaps, and then in larger chunks, but I see it. Maybe this isn't a coal pit after all, but maybe a copper mine... or with luck, gold.

We'll see.

Of course, this fresh baby brain of mine, newly dipped in the acid bath of a an infinitely long stressful period (so it seems), has to be handled with care. Not too many projects, not too many demands. Like that smurf I need to melt... he can wait. But some things, okay? Some things need doing.

So I poke at them and watch my mind for more signs of life.

Of course, I'm not done with stress yet... but with any luck, it will get better. Until then, maybe someone will get me a GPS mapping unit for my birthday.

But then I thought about it and yes, I was patient, amazingly so, when it came to people. In other contexts not so much -- my phone died on me yesterday and my first instinct was to dash it against the ground until all the pieces flew out.

And also, with machines, I can be patient too - fixing wifi, debugging code, a huge number of my vocational (and sometimes avocational) tasks require, absolutely DEMAND, that I slow down and work carefully through the problem.

Maybe I've simply learned how to take things slowly, to work on each detail as it comes up and not try to rush through it, simply because I have to, to be a computer programmer.

I feel that part of my success is because I keep my eye on the ultimate goal at all times -- what is it I want to achieve from this interaction? And then I can evaluate my instincts and responses against that goal.

When I am working with people, I think of it like this -- would I rather be RIGHT, or would I rather be FRIENDS? If I feel someone needs correcting, or informing, or adjusting -- do I want to go about this task with the goal of being right and feeling justified, or do I want to approach it in a way that keeps that person a friend, that doesn't do damage to them?

Likewise, if someone is getting all up in my nose about something (justified or not), do I want to put up my armour and assume a fighting stance, smack 'em around a bit to show 'em who they are messing with? Or will my long-term goal for the relationship be better served by slowing down, rolling with the punches, and then taking the time to work out a more measured response?

Yeah, sometimes it means being humble when I'd much rather be aggressive; I'm good at aggressive, and I have a vicious repartee when I choose to use it; and I've used it in the past... and usually regretted it. I LIKE to fight, I enjoy a tussle, but I try to keep my battles to the death in the realm of projects and inanimate objects, and not with my friends and associates.

Because I really like my friends and, while we have difference of approach or opinion from time to time, I'd rather keep them as friends rather than be "right" a lot and then have to find new ones.

Looking at the calendar, and a LONG TIME seems to have passed since the last update, but really just a weekend and a half... and two weeks!

Okay, a long time.

Last weekend, I don't even remember exactly what happened, but a new FX volunteer, Matt, came out and did diligent work on the vacuum former's oven -- drilled a zillion holes in a very difficult material, and tested out a couple different configurations of heater coil with me. Initial testing gave us way too high a resistance, so we went with a bunch of shorter coils in parallel -- but then we found that a coil or two had rather lower resistances, giving us uneven heating. A good set of experiments, and tedious, but that's science for you. He then went on to help with the shifting of materials for a bit before escaping the greater oven that is the Lab.

Phil and Yvonne have continued their explorations in dentistry, and are getting better and going deeper into new territory every visit, I'm quite pleased. Brad (right? Darn these names) and Kyle also got to see the results of their previous tooth casting, and do a bit more in the sculpting department.

I've spent a couple of weekday sessions working on Nathan's Elmo, and have pics going online now (link at the bottom). He'll be ready to mold and cast soon, at this rate, which is good, because time is short!

Last weekend I spun up the ring sections for the vortex and today I finished the other two rings for the vortex tunnel's outer layer, and last weekend Debra (not Deborah, as it turns out) helped with that some (if I recall correctly). Events kept her away today, but I suspect we'll see her tomorrow again and I'll put her to work drilling holes for the eye-bolts for the guy wires (unless she reads this and sensibly decides to hide).

Robert and Henry have been continuing in their Blood Pump work and I believe it's ready for mounting and powering now -- though I need to buy another package of my ad-hoc O-Ring material to seal them.

I'm hoping Jean brings the new burner to the Lab soon -- she sent pictures, and the work in progress is lovely -- so I can cook up some water and begin the color work for our custom blood formulation.

While I was waiting for Tall Matt to wrap up his work at the Lab so I could carpool him home, I threw together some concept skulls to see if I could -- I guess I'll be making a variety of skulls to decorate furniture and fireplaces with! I'm thinking vacuum molding forms, so I can make a bunch of 'em cheap.

I'm sure I'm forgetting something or someone... I'll fill in on the next post if I remember!

Elmo on Nathan, work in progress:

http://tinyurl.com/n4eme6

Monstrous fangs, top set painted and modeled:

http://tinyurl.com/mnrey6

Skulls test:

http://tinyurl.com/l8kv3w

I'm also just now getting my head into the new stuff in my new group at DAYJOB, and should be starting to be useful there soon too; though; the manager has this weird idea I'll be instantly productive in a new group with new code and new co-workers, even though none of it is particularly well documented. I've been working to disillusion him.

I assembled the high-power mGoblin's power supply and plugged it in... got a spark, some light smoke; very disappointed. I want either dramatic failure or a working device -- and got neither. Now I need to build it up piecewise and figure out what dumb thing I did to this perfectly good vendor circuit.

I got parts and the new PCBs in last week, so I also built up the new version of the sumGoblin (sigmaGoblin) and was able to program it, so that's good! I've got most of the code framework assembled for that as well now, so I hope to be able to monitor the Goblin Net from it soon.

I also took the blinking code and the communication code and put them together into the final form for the uGoblin (microGoblin) device and I'll build up the large-chip versions of that soon for testing.

A lot of code changes all at once means hard, painful testing... but oh well!

I spackled and sanded on Nathan's stone model and then did two coats of Alcote release agent -- which I hope works as well as advertised! I use it a little bit on teeth, but without success (I did it wrong; just one coat), and I've been putting it on all the new tooth models... so we'll see how I like it as things progress.

I didn't start the Demon sculpt on Nathan yet, nor did I do a positive from my mold, but that's okay; the Lab was too busy this weekend to really be able to settle down for the creative work of sculpting. I'll do the rough sculpt this week after work and have a first-pass kibitz this coming weekend on it.

I cast all four of the teeth that have been waiting for casts, and popped them from their plaster positives -- they all came off perfectly , except for Marla's, so I had to make another copy of teeth for her.

I also made the mold and a casting on my Humongous Fangs of Doom -- pictures linked at the bottom! They need cleaning up and painting still, since the gums are tooth colored and they are all ragged around the edges, but you get the idea. They turned out FAR better than I could have hoped, and I can even (mostly) talk in them.

Phil and Yvonne did more tooth molding and I got them up to speed on the plaster work techniques for making the copies, so that's good. While they were doing that, Kyle and Bill also made some alginate molds, and then Phil did the plaster for them. Skills are drifting out into the group, which is very exciting.

Saturday, Robert and his boy (or at least he had a boy in tow) came to the lab and I set them to work on making the second piston/valve assembly for the blood pump; their work is progressing nicely and I look forward to seeing them again next weekend. The big question for the blood pump will be how we want to power it.

Saturday afternoon, Matt, Paul and I chatted about stilts, as a result of this conversation I got a bug up my nose and went back to the lab to whip up a prototype stilt. I taped that monstrosity to my body Sunday morning (when I was fresh and less likely to damage myself) and got some good feedback on the forces involved.

There's a BIG force in only one location (the anchor point for the long toe), and that can be resolved in several ways, and it can be reduced in several other ways. I have hope! We have several plans for the stilts -- I'm poking Plan A right now, which may evolve into Plan B (which is Eric's stilt style), and could even go into Plan C (e.g. painter's stilts and a far clunkier shape for the demon).

Today I got to the Lab early and put the segments for two circles in the Vortex Tunnel into shape -- finalizing their curvature, cutting the flat ends off, cutting the fittings that hold them together, and marking all the drill points.

Deborah showed up in time to help drill stuff out, file it, and then she helped me assembled the test section of the vortex tunnel (one of three, with two of the four rings).

We then used ratcheting cargo straps to tension the section and the result was better than I could have hoped. The tunnel, with no rigid connections, no screws, no bolts, nothing more than some holes and ratchet straps, was strong and amazingly rigid.

I then went through the entire set of straps and made them the correct length, and the tunnel section snapped to square, all clean and tidy.

All in all, a weekend full of successes.

Lifecasting pics: http://tinyurl.com/ms97ha

Monster Fang pics: http://tinyurl.com/mnrey6

Maybe when I review the three books he lent me, I'll find more tips and tricks. Those orthodontists cheat; they start with pre-cast teeth and just do the gums and plate!

Another Wednesday was consumed in meetings, this time a general SCARE meeting, plus board of directors meeting. We are making great progress! Also, we have an amazing trailer video now:

http://tinyurl.com/n4c8xu

Work on the Goblin Systems timing and control modules is working apace; this programming and electronics stuff is very time consuming. Rushing through some of the development, and being done with infinite distractions, has cost me a prototype PCB cycle (oops, bad chip definition!). However, the new PCBs are coming tomorrow, and I also have an upgraded MCU set (added a dollar to double the RAM/ROM) in a box at home waiting for it.

Today's big news on the Goblin front is that I'm sending and receiving complex commands between timing modules now.

Last Saturday, I got a lifecast of my lovely self, and the mold is now sitting on a table waiting for me to pour plaster into it.

Sunday, I did pour plaster into Nathan's mold. Actually, I laid up a shell of burlap and ultracal 30 along the mold, then filled it with giant chunks of foam and THEN poured plaster into it. Trying to alleviate the weight; I only used 75lbs of plaster, instead of 150lbs.

However, the shell phase of the process made a pretty poor outer skin; lots of bubbles. These are on non-critical areas (I cast the face solid), and I will fix them tonight... but still, it lacks perfection.

After doing Nathan up stone solid, I ran over to the Lodge for our Kickoff and Casting event -- good turnout, and I got some great names of people who can do work in the FX area. I'm excited to have new help!

Last night I spent a few hours at the Lab, under my new extended Lab time model, and made the molds for four sets of teeth plus did the first-pass cleanup work on my monster fangs of doom.

Tasks in planning or in process include the vacuum table (Paul's taken the lead on that), the vortex tunnel (parts are there waiting for some structural tests), and the Demon's stilts (plus we have a new, experienced, player in that game, Eric Peterson, to help me and Paul). Exciting!

I also need to do an inventory of the materials that Dr. Carpenter gave us, and make a shopping list of what is needed to round them out. Wednesday tends to be my random task night, but Wednesdays have been busy lately! And NEXT Wednesday is the Scare meeting at the Lodge.

The last two Wednesdays a few of us have gotten together to round out the Scare project / task list. We've filled in some estimates and cut out some projects, and generally tried to get a grip on the massive task that is building an ambitious haunt. All of it is in the Wiki, so for those who have access, go check it out!

What I have been able to do the last week, however, is still pretty good. The Goblin program is coming along, and I've got a basic system of lights worked out. I need to work up some of the advanced features, and get the communication network integrated too.

I built up three of the little blinky circuits (the so-called "micro-Goblin"), and I still need to build up some of the other circuits -- the bridge/power board, the laptop interface, and the 110VAC control version.

Saturday I spent the morning reinforcing the weaker of the mother molds on Nathan's lifecast, and extending both halves of the mold down to an even, square base with a nice flange. This will make it easier to hang upside down (or plug and clamp into the rotomolding machine) later.

Saturday afternoon I packed up my makeup kit and wandered out to the IGDA picnic for abour four hours, doing some fun makeup on random strangers who foolishly wandered into our tent:

http://tinyurl.com/ljd8zm

After that I started heading to Paul's for a bit of party time, but never made it; overcome by heat and weariness, I headed home and turned into a blob.

Sunday I went to the lab a bit later than usual (10am, goodness, I'm slacking!) but I did spent an hour or two prior working on the Goblin system.

The first thing I did was clean up the INSIDE of the plaster part of Nathan's mold. I figure that cleaning up the inside of the mold once will be easier than cleaning up the two or three positive castings I expect to make later. I had hoped to cast a positive today too, but decided to let the fresh plaster cure for a day first.

Instead, I did the finish work and then heat-polished four sets of teeth; the first teeth I started when the whole dentistry project was launched months and months ago. I did some large fangs for Ian, and finally finished up Crystal, Marla, and this quiet girl's teeth (Niobium? Titania? Nicky? They are marked "Ni"... it could mean anything!).

Soon, I'll make molds and cast acrylic and be done with that phase of the project! Yay!

I also did a second pass of cleanup on these crazy saber-tooth fangs I'm experimenting with on my own teeth.

Oh, and I captured Marla's lower teeth, but didn't get Charlotte or Nathan today for some reason. Right! They must have slept in.

Coming up next: Lifecasting me, I hope I survive! Also, Nathan's first casting and the beginning of the Demon makeup in earnest.

Since I last wrote, I received my shipment of silicone, alginate, plastics, and other supplies from Smooth-On; sadly, one work-day later then I needed, so the life casting was moved forward to last weekend. More on that later.

Also last weekend we had a massive workshop setup and cleanup event (we call these things "parties" to draw more workers) -- and we got excellent results. In the midst of this chaos, Mohammad, one of our diligent volunteers, used the (shiny new) tubing bender to curve out a half dozen or so tubes for the vortex tunnel. Minions are great!

Paul, when not building new stairs to help us get IN to the lab, or shelves to help us store stuff, also started work on the portable "oven" for the vacuum table, very handy.

In my copious free time, I put together the prototype for the large blood pump. I also whipped up a useful magnetic stirring device to make it easier to formulate the blood and slime recipes (some powders really must be continuously stirred while sifting or they clump terribly). The blue LED from the variable-speed computer fan gives the whole thing an eerie mad-science glow that I love, too.

I never did get to trying to make skull-cap material out of PVA; I'm -sure- it will work, though! Just need to try a dozen or so formulations until one works... maybe next weekend.

Also, last short piece, my dentist (Matthew Carpenter, in Round Rock, great guy) has been providing information and materials support for our dental prosthetic task.

The BIG event, that we've been preparing for, was the lifecast of Nathan, who we will then sculpt Demon makeup for (pics later). We will transform this nice fellow into a nine foot horror... it will be fun! We will also do the same to _me_ (the price I demand for buying all the supplies) as a backup, and for my Christmas costume. Sadly, my own lifecasting won't be for another couple of weeks, due to schedule constraints.

Beginning our Sunday early at the Lab, I put some finishing touches on the magnetic stirrer; kicked around a bit; and started assembling supplies. We were using a number of new things this time around -- burlap and raw plaster, a new additive to the silicone to act as a built-in release, and of course, no bald cap.

The bald cap and the burlap instead of medical bandages is due to the offensively expensive nature of these items. Sadly, it turns out that at least one of them (the plaster bandages) is still critical to the success of a good plaster shell. But burlap and Hydrostone 105 (10-15 minute set time) can still act as a durable second layer just fine. And it’s infinitely cheaper than medical bandage.

I did a test of the burlap "bandage" and it set up fairly well, and it took the plaster nicely.

I got an ancient tub with remnants of some body double (the silicone I use) and mixed up a small batch to make sure it would set. It did, if a bit sluggishly.

Marla cut a bunch of burlap strips. I organized the table, pre-measured some stuff, fiddled with some minor things. Matt came around noon and built a scrap box out of scrap wood, it lovely and useful thing. Beth showed up, as did Susan P (the OTHER Susan P).

Nathan had gotten turned around, but eventually Susan was able to get him to the lab... but our noon start time was well destroyed by then.

At two-ish, I gave the assembled (restless, cat-like, distracted) crew the long, detailed "this is what we are doing" story, referring to my three pages of notes in the process. Sorry for the tedium! But I like to have a well-informed group.

Of course, Matt and Marla have assisted me on this stuff for _years_ and are great -- I'll be relying on them to do my lifecast later. A lot of the spiel was for Nathan (a complete newcomer, unaware of the torments to come, though we did try to warn him), Beth, and Susan.

That done, we propped Nathan up on a comfy stool, gave him his last chance to drink or pee for the next three or four hours, and then taped cling wrap to his head. Okay, I used spirit gum for parts, and cloth bandage tape for others.

Since we aren't doing an "art mold" but just a form (with detailed face/clavical) to act as a base for prosthetic makeup and costume, we weren't worrying about most of the details.

Once he was capped, some trash bags and duct tape made a fetching protective skirt for him. Of course, the rule at the Lab, especially if I'm working with anything the least bit moist, is to never wear anything you love...

The back shell of burlap soaked in plaster went very well, though the weight of the material made it pull away from the center line we started with -- annoying, but not too bad, since we just reset the center line after the bulk of it had firmed up. However, medical plaster bandages do a much better job of sticking and conforming to the model, so the first layer should be made up of those, with a second layer of burlap/plaster for strength (and cost reduction).

The final aspect of the back shell was to build up a ridge about an inch back from the edge, to act as a back-stop for the front shell (a technique that I decided just prior to this project) and with keys for rotational alignment. I then used some loose plaster to fill any undercuts around the ridge and to generally firm up anything that looked too dry.

Once the ridge and keys were firm, I took a sharp modeling tool and cleaned the edges, removing texture, locking points, and giving clean lines to the ridge and edge. Then, a liberal (very liberal, widely applied) layer of petroleum jelly. Yum!

The front frame went in about the same as the back, though we started with bandage based on our experience with the back shell. We had just about finished the front from (and partial shell) when we, and by we I mean Nathan, discovered that lifecasting in a 100-degree lab is not the best way to support life. Heat-induced claustrophobia took over Nathan's brain and we popped the shells off of him. We were at a point, however, that everything was in good shape.

After cooling Nathan down, we remembered that we had a (newly cleared) air-conditioned office at the back of the Lab. Oops! We moved into there to help finish revive Nathan.

To all of our surprise, Nathan then insisted that we finish the mold. Dubious, we were eventually convinced.

We strapped the shell back onto him, held in place with a loop of duct tape, and then I used one layer of medical plaster bandage to lock the halves together. No worries about having to chisel him out, though, since a single bandage will peel off pretty easily; it has just enough grip to act as a clamp.

Our trusty assistants (Marla and Glen by now, Beth had to take her leave) then started mixing up silicones.

Remember that test I did at the beginning of this day? Yeah, well, it appears that storing the silicone at the lab in fact did kill it -- it set all right, it set up almost instantly! Even with the new Hyper-Folic additive, which would normally retard the setting.

Of course, the 80+ degree weather in the office still didn't help. These materials say "Store and Use at Room Temperature." Apparently, rooms don't normally reach 110 degrees during the day.

Very aware of the amount of time that Nathan was having to spend in his shell, we threw out that batch of silicone and opened a new one, straight from the mail last week... only to find that it is setting up too fast too!

I didn't notice (at the time) that we had opened a quick-set one. Oops?

So I grabbed my trusty cartridge gun and my last two cartridges (which had been cooking at the lab just like the first, bad, tub we had discarded; I crossed _all_ my fingers on this one, believe you me!) and we went back to the old-fashioned method for the bulk of the silicone layer.

The details turned out surprisingly good for such an interrupted, heat-damaged process. For this, I have nothing but praise for my trusty assistants, Matt and Marla.

Eventually, we were happy with the silicon and I had thickened some and stuck on a few blocky, blobby keys, and we went straight in to finishing the front shell (even before the keys had set).

This was a simple layer of plaster locking the silicone onto the frame, and it went quickly and easily.

Then we popped the shells apart, as I marveled at how well my new technique at the edge worked, and pried it all off of Nathan's facial and head hair.

The tiny amount of hair-release we did manage to get onto his face, in that aborted silicone batch, did an amazing job.

Soon, though, I need to do a mix test with this stuff in a new, air-conditioned batch of silicone, to see how it affects the material.

And, from now on, I keep all delicate materials at home, and we start all lifecastings in the cold room in the back.

In spite of the excitement, we were done before six, giving us maybe three hours of working time on the model, and we got a mold that will do what we need -- provide a base to sculpt the Demon makeup onto.

Success!

I’m currently uploading over 100 megabytes of pictures to Flickr, so I don’t have links for them yet -- but look me up as EdwinWiseOne (a person) or for the sets “Blood Pump” or “Casting Nathan” to get a glimpse of the exciting life of a haunted house FX team.

Last weekend I worked on some teeth Saturday (added the pics to this Flickr set: http://tinyurl.com/dbdx6q ) and ended up roughing out a half-dozen sets, including a new experimental one on my (new) duplicate that goes over the gums, to give me more control.

Sunday, then, I built up some sculpting turntables and armatures and generally fiddled around, and then did some actual sculpting (with Beth, whose work isn't online yet)... pics of the little guy I call Elmo, who has an hour of work or so in him, here: http://tinyurl.com/njsbpc He looks kind of ragged because he is... an hour doesn't give much time to clean up!

Then, later in the week, I worked up a fairly comprehensive project list for Scare 2009 (which will kick ASS) -- it clocks in at 148 entries right now... not ALL of which are for me to do, but still, the core group is about a dozen of us, we are gonna be BUSY.

Working off of THAT list, I worked up a shopping list and then went shopping!

I bought a metric buttload of materials from Smooth-On, then scattered my cash across another half dozen or so local stores.

Used the shiny new tubing bender (three-roller variety from Harbor Freight, model #99736) to do trial bends on some 1/2" square pipe, 1" EMT (which is actually an inch and an eight OD), and 3/4" EMT. Got some excellent results, some iffy results, one bad result. Overall, an excellent tool, and for $160 it's a HECK of a lot cheaper than the next cheapest which clocks in at $1,200 (or did I see one for $800? The overpriced stuff all runs together after a while).

An interesting result of crushing the 1.25" OD pipe into the 1" dies is that it forces it into an oval shape that is strong in the direction of curvature. I don't know if I care or not, but there it is. It also requires slow adjustments or the tube will squirrel out of plane, which is bad. To get a full quarter circle uses a lot of effort! And I have sixteen of these to make! Well, 15 now.

I'm also testing a variety of (cheap-ish) wheels and casters to use as supports for the pipes, which are destined to become a middle-sized vortex tunnel.

Worked up a design for a vacuum table with companion radiant oven, so I can do a lot of efficient molding work on THAT; bought the supplies to build it of course. Got the heater wire online last week, not to bad for price, hope it behaves! Also, have a query in to Regal on cheap thermoform plastic.

Worked up a design for massive chunk-tolerant blood pumps, using 4" PVC schedule 40 pipe, some miscellaneous other PVC fittings, weather stripping for O-Ring sealing, and racket balls for check valves. So far, the O-Ring test has been VERY promising, I'm quite encouraged. May get some leakage at the edges of the ring, but overall I expect the backing material to keep most stress off the seal, and with a 4" ID pipe I'm moving a LOT of blood. I'm going to use some 6" stroke pneumatic cylinders I have laying around to drive dual 4" PVC blood pumps with alternate cycles to get nearly continuous flow.

Did some research and found a company selling water-soluble skull caps... and then did some MORE research because their prices hurt my sensibilities and decided that they were using PVA to make these; and also using PVA to make prosthetic appliances for cuts and stuff. Which is AWESOME, because I'm about to order a HUGE amount of both PVA and Methylcellulose for my fancy-shmancy slime needs. Very neat; if this works, I'll be a happy camper. Oh, had to run out to Sally Beauty to get a few foam heads, to try to make skull caps on. May have to build those up some so they are big enough.

Almost forgot; bought and reviewed relevant chapters in "Clinical Aspects of Dental Materials: Theory, Practice, and Cases"... good book! Though not as good as the one we found at Half Price books, whose name escapes me.

Okay, have to do more shopping. Then, coming up; tooth work, sculpting, and more experiments. Next weekend, life-casting! With any luck.

Need I say more?

Probably. Okay, think about it; these two statements DO NOT GO TOGETHER.

"I didn't mean to!" is a statement of intent, of will. But whether you MEANT to or NOT, if your dog bites the man, your camp fire or flicked cigarette butt burns down the forest, or you drunkenly run into a school bus full of children...

... it may still be YOUR FAULT. Own up to it, learn from it, and move on.

In fact, if you never own up to fault, you won't learn or grow, you'll be stuck as an irresponsible, useless person; a child in adult skin. That does nobody any favors.

Fault and Intent are not dependent conditions.

You wish your horrible gym teacher were dead and... he gets run over by a school bus full of drunken football players. Was it your fault? You meant for it to happen! But if you didn't drive the bus, or push the teacher, then no... the causality between wishing and events is a form of magical thinking that, sadly or fortunately, is not true.

Likewise, the disavowal of fault because of intent is the reverse form. Your intent may be as pure as the driven snow, but still, when your game of William Tell puts an arrow through your little brother's eye... it's your fault. Sucks, doesn't it?

And, of course, sometimes it is nobody's fault, but that is a different discussion about our crazy, litigation-happy society, where people think it has to be someone's, anyone's, fault... but their own.

Because, after all, they didn't "mean to".

Need I say more?

Probably. Okay, think about it; these two statements DO NOT GO TOGETHER.

"I didn't mean to!" is a statement of intent, of will. But whether you MEANT to or NOT, if your dog bites the man, your camp fire or flicked cigarette butt burns down the forest, or you drunkenly run into a school bus full of children...

... it may still be YOUR FAULT. Own up to it, learn from it, and move on.

In fact, if you never own up to fault, you won't learn or grow, you'll be stuck as an irresponsible, useless person; a child in adult skin. That does nobody any favors.

Fault and Intent are not dependent conditions.

You wish your horrible gym teacher were dead and... he gets run over by a school bus full of drunken football players. Was it your fault? You meant for it to happen! But if you didn't drive the bus, or push the teacher, then no... the causality between wishing and events is a form of magical thinking that, sadly or fortunately, is not true.

Likewise, the disavowal of fault because of intent is the reverse form. Your intent may be as pure as the driven snow, but still, when your game of William Tell puts an arrow through your little brother's eye... it's your fault. Sucks, doesn't it?

And, of course, sometimes it is nobody's fault, but that is a different discussion about our crazy, litigation-happy society, where people think it has to be someone's, anyone's, fault... but their own.

Because, after all, they didn't "mean to".

Need to find a way to RSS or otherwise feed this into Face Book and the Scare blog site; it already makes its way in to Live Journal.

Upcoming projects include the ongoing prosthetic tooth work (vampires and demons, oh my!); blood pumps and custom blood coloring/thickening (now with clots!); haunt timing, communication, and control; sculpting, molding and casting prosthetic makeup; digitigrade stilt development; articulated wings (possibly powered); and.... umm.... vortex tunnel and the tools to build it!

Either that, or live video footage of my head exploding from over-reaching.

Stay tuned!

First we hear in no uncertain terms, "We do not use torture."

Then we get, "Ummm yeah, look at these memos. Some of these things are definitely torture."

Note that if your first, absolute statement on a subject is a bald-faced lie, other statements from people in your group are going to be received with more than just a grain of salt. You've already lost credibility.

The replies to the memo release came in stages. First it's "You stupid bastards, you are aiding the enemy! We can no longer use these torture, er, intensive interrogation techniques!"

The reply to which is a roll of the eyeballs and a "umm, yeah, you are right, that's the point." Also, the techniques themselves are not secret; what was hidden was the official permission to USE them, of calling them legal and acceptable.

Floating over the airwaves now is this fun bit -- "those aren't torture because they don't cause long-term psychological harm. Heck, we did that to people during training and they came out just fine!" Or the gem from the peanut gallery, "That's no worse than hazing at a frat."

Where to start with THAT unpolishable gem? Are you saying these activities don't really work? Or they work but don't leave a mark? Or what? More later...

Now we have cries from the wilderness to release MORE memos, the ones that show the good and valuable information we got from using these not-quite-or-perhaps-maybe-is torture-interrogation techniques.

Balanced against, of course, discussions from yet more people saying that we got more bad data than good, that the good data wasn't that great, and that what we DID get, we often got before we dived into the ugly stuff anyway.

There are several threads running through this.

1. Are these activities torture?

It sounds to me that yes, some of them are, or at least we have defined them that way in the past ourselves.

Ask yourself, do you want them used on your sons and daughters? If not then... we must not use them the sons and daughters of other organizations, no matter how misguided we think they are, or how valuable the knowledge between their ears may be.

If they are effective enough to FORCE information out of someone, they are effective enough to be considered torture. If they are not torture, what makes us think they will force out good information? People LIE, especially under duress.

1b. These techniques aren't really so bad. We trained with them! We did them to students!

Consider this. You are in a class, you know the people around you, and you know the goals and limits of what is occurring in that class. Now you are told to (to take a tame example) stand in a dark room, on one foot, not moving. You do so. You know it will end, you know what comes next, and you know you can refuse or quit at any time.

Now. You are in a prison, you don't know the people around you, you don't know their goals and the limits to which they will go, and you have HEARD all kinds of horrible things from your friends and neighbors. You are locked in a dark room, told, FORCED, to stand on one foot, not moving. You do so. You don't know how, or if, it will end; you don't know what comes next, and you are afraid of what may happen if you refuse.

On top of that, the people in charge think it would be worthwhile to one-up the documented guidelines and drop spiders on your head while they are at it, you know, to make it work better (to take an idea I just pulled out of my ass; but it seems that the interrogators were not really going by the book, or the "book" lacked some fundamental guidelines at first, so this seems a reasonable extension).

Yeah, just the same. Gonna have the same long term impact. Right? Somehow I don't think so. Saying they are the same is disingenuous at best.

2. If it gets good data, it is worth it.

No. Ends can not justify the means, for down that path lies madness; and remember, everything we do will be reflected back onto us down the roads of time, and applied to our own sons and daughters, but even more so; and we won't get to complain because we set the standards.

I've talked to people who interrogate, and I've heard other people talk in interviews. The best data comes from bonding with the subject, not beating them up. And being friendly isn't going to land you in international court for war crimes.

3. Moral high ground.

We should take it. If something can be construed as torture, skip it.

Use the techniques that actually WORK, and a hint here: from what I've heard, these techniques have nothing to do with this kind of abuse.

All in all, the defending (torture is good) arguments play out like red herrings. We don't do torture (except when we do). It's not actually torture (except that it is). It's not actually damaging, so really, not torture (except the are comparing apples and kumquats; controlled training versus uncontrolled field conditions). So what if we do this, we get good data (except that we don't, and except that even if we did as a country we reject torture anyway so the point is irrelevant).

In my ears it has been translating to "please don't send me to the Hague."